Sganarelle, or, the Self-Deceived Husband

Speed. …Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.

Val. I have dined.

Speed. Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon, love, can feed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my victuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like your mistress; be moved, be moved.]

LEL. Let me but get some information about my heart's delight, and without troubling me more, go and take your meal if you like.

GR. – RE. I never say nay when a master commands.

SCENE VIII. – LELIO, alone

No, no, my mind is tormented by too many terrors; the father has promised me Celia's hand, and she has given me such proofs of her love that I need not despair.

SCENE IX. – SGANARELLE, LELIO

SGAN. (Not seeing Lelio, and holding the portrait in his hand). I have got it. I can now at my leisure look at the countenance of the rascal who causes my dishonour. I do not know him at all.

LEL. (Aside). Heavens! what do I see? If that be my picture, what then must I believe?

SGAN. (Not seeing Lelio). Ah! poor Sganarelle! your reputation is doomed, and to what a sad fate! Must… (Perceiving that Lelio observes him he goes to the other side of the stage).

LEL. (Aside). This pledge of my love cannot have left the fair hands to which I gave it, without startling my faith in her.

SGAN. (Aside). People will make fun of me henceforth by holding up their two fingers; songs will be made about me, and every time they will fling in my teeth that scandalous affront, which a wicked wife has printed upon my forehead.

LEL. (Aside). Do I deceive myself?

SGAN. (Aside). Oh! Jade!

[Footnote: The original is truande, which, as well as the masculine truand, meant, in old French, a vagabond, a rascal; it is still retained in the English phrase "to play the truant."]

were you impudent enough to cuckold me in the flower of my age? The wife too of a husband who may be reckoned handsome! and must be a monkey, a cursed addle-pated fellow…

LEL. (Aside, looking still at the portrait in Sganarelle's hand).

I am not mistaken; it is my very picture.

SGAN. (Turning his back towards him). This man seems very inquisitive.

LEL. (Aside). I am very much surprised.

SGAN. What would he be at?

LEL. (Aside). I will speak to him. (Aloud). May I… (Sganarelle goes farther off). I say, let me have one word with you.

SGAN. (Aside, and moving still farther). What does he wish to tell me now?

LEL. Will you inform me by what accident that picture came into your hands?

SGAN. (Aside). Why does he wish to know? But I am thinking… (Looking at Lelio and at the portrait in his hand). Oh! upon my word, I know the cause of his anxiety; I no longer wonder at his surprise. This is my man, or rather, my wife's man.

LEL. Pray, relieve my distracted mind, and tell me how you come by…

SGAN. Thank Heaven, I know what disturbs you; this portrait, which causes you some uneasiness, is your very likeness, and was found in the hands of a certain acquaintance of yours; the soft endearments which have passed between that lady and you are no secret to me. I cannot tell whether I have the honour to be known by your gallant lordship in this piece of gallantry; but henceforth, be kind enough to break off an intrigue, which a husband may not approve of; and consider that the holy bonds of wedlock…

LEL. What do you say? She from whom you received this pledge…

SGAN. Is my wife, and I am her husband.

LEL. Her husband?

SGAN. Yes, her husband, I tell you. Though married I am far from merry; you, sir, know the reason of it; this very moment I am going to inform her relatives about this affair.

[Footnote: The original has mari-tres-marri; literally, "husband very sad;" marri being the old French for sad: the ancient plays and tales are full of allusions to the connection between these two words, mari and marri.]

SCENE X. – LELIO, alone

Alas! what have I heard! The report then was true that her husband was the ugliest of all his sex. Even if your faithless lips had never sworn me more than a thousand times eternal love, the disgust you should have felt at such a base and shameful choice might have sufficiently secured me against the loss of your affection… But this great insult, and the fatigues of a pretty long journey, produce all at once such a violent effect upon me, that I feel faint, and can hardly bear up under it.

SCENE XI. – LELIO, SGANARELLE'S WIFE

SGAN.'S WIFE. In spite of me, my wretch… (Seeing Lelio). Good lack! what ails you? I perceive, sir, you are ready to faint away.

LEL. It is an illness that has attacked me quite suddenly.

SGAN'S WIFE. I am afraid you shall faint; step in here, and stay until you are better.

LEL. For a moment or two I will accept of your kindness.

SCENE XII. – SGANARELLE, A RELATIVE OF SGANARELLE'S WIFE

REL. I commend a husband's anxiety in such a case, but you take fright a little too hastily. All that you have told me against her, kinsman, does not prove her guilty. It is a delicate subject, and no one should ever be accused of such a crime unless it can be fully proved.

SGAN. That is to say, unless you see it.

REL. Too much haste leads us to commit mistakes. Who can tell how this picture came into her hands, and, after all, whether she knows the man? Seek a little more information, and if it proves to be as you suspect, I shall be one of the first to punish her offence.

SCENE XIII. – SGANARELLE, alone

Nothing could be said fairer; it is really the best way to proceed cautiously. Perhaps I have dreamt of horns without any cause, and the perspiration has covered my brow rather prematurely. My dishonour is not at all proved by that portrait which frightened me so much. Let me endeavour then by care…

SCENE XIV. – SGANARELLE, SGANARELLE'S WIFE, standing at the door of her house, with LELIO

SGAN. (Aside seeing them). Ha! what do I see? Zounds! there can be no more question about the portrait, for upon my word here stands the very man, in propria persona.

SGAN.'S WIFE. You hurry away too fast, sir; if you leave us so quickly, you may perhaps have a return of your illness.

LEL. No, no, I thank you heartily for the kind assistance you have rendered me.