Phantasmagoria and Other Poems

No Ghost of any common sense
Begins a conversation.

“If he should say ‘How came you here?’
(The way that you began, Sir,)
In such a case your course is clear —
‘On the bat’s back, my little dear!’
Is the appropriate answer.

“If after this he says no more,
You’d best perhaps curtail your
Exertions – go and shake the door,
And then, if he begins to snore,
You’ll know the thing’s a failure.

“By day, if he should be alone —
At home or on a walk —
You merely give a hollow groan,
To indicate the kind of tone
In which you mean to talk.

“But if you find him with his friends,
The thing is rather harder.
In such a case success depends
On picking up some candle-ends,
Or butter, in the larder.

“With this you make a kind of slide
(It answers best with suet),
On which you must contrive to glide,
And swing yourself from side to side —
One soon learns how to do it.

“The Second tells us what is right
In ceremonious calls: —
‘First burn a blue or crimson light’
(A thing I quite forgot to-night),
‘Then scratch the door or walls.’”

I said “You’ll visit here no more,
If you attempt the Guy.
I’ll have no bonfires on my floor —
And, as for scratching at the door,
I’d like to see you try!”

“The Third was written to protect
The interests of the Victim,
And tells us, as I recollect,
To treat him with a grave respect,
And not to contradict him.”

“That’s plain,” said I, “as Tare and Tret,
To any comprehension:
I only wish some Ghosts I’ve met
Would not so constantly forget
The maxim that you mention!”

“Perhaps,” he said, “you first transgressed
The laws of hospitality:
All Ghosts instinctively detest
The Man that fails to treat his guest
With proper cordiality.

“If you address a Ghost as ‘Thing!’
Or strike him with a hatchet,
He is permitted by the King
To drop all formal parleying —
And then you’re sure to catch it!

“The Fourth prohibits trespassing
Where other Ghosts are quartered:
And those convicted of the thing
(Unless when pardoned by the King)
Must instantly be slaughtered.

“That simply means ‘be cut up small’:
Ghosts soon unite anew.
The process scarcely hurts at all —
Not more than when you ’re what you call
‘Cut up’ by a Review.

“The Fifth is one you may prefer
That I should quote entire: —
The King must be addressed as ‘Sir.’
This, from a simple courtier,
Is all the Laws require:

“But, should you wish to do the thing
With out-and-out politeness,
Accost him as ‘My Goblin King!
And always use, in answering,
The phrase ‘Your Royal Whiteness!’

“I’m getting rather hoarse, I fear,
After so much reciting:
So, if you don’t object, my dear,
We’ll try a glass of bitter beer —
I think it looks inviting.”

CANTO III