Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings

Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings
Josh Billings

Josh Billings, Hiz Sayings

I.

JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE

The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.

II.

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE

I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on him az enny man ever owned: —

QUESTIONS

1st – Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d – Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d – What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th – Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th – What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments!

6th – Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th – Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th – Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th – What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th – Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.

III.

REMARKS

Tha tell me that them who hav the harte diseaze are liable tu di at enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.

Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking into.

It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.

Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.

Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more fragrant.

Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just rite.

Men liv tu a ripe old age bi keeping green.

Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.

"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.

IV.

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS

"Amelia." – Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.

"Fred."– Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.

"Whip." – Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a sekund, 10 feet oph.

"Gertrude." – Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or otherwise.

"Plutark." – Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a foot.

"Sportsman." – Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B. – It aint absolutely necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.

"Kate." – I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov; 'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.

V.

A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS

Ack Fust.– Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his arms, about 16 hands high – it makes the dorg puff – the dorg lays down the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put him out!"] Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion – Lap dorg diskovers a wicked flee at work on his tale – pursues him – round and round tha go – dorg a leettle ahead – sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!" – boarding skool girl faints standing – the curtin drops.

Ack number 2.– Curtin highsts – sevral blind men in the distanse, looking thru a key whole – one ov them sez, "he don't see it!" A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee Doodle – musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and redused. Curtin falls agin.

Ack number 3.– Curtin rizes sloly – big bolona sarsage on a tabel – bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark – band plays "Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in – cat's tail begins tew swell bad – bolona sarsage and cat haz a fite – tha fite 14 rounds – the stage iz covered with cats and dorgs. Konlusion – tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the foot lights – an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300, 000 more" – band plays "Go in Lemons!" – a bell rings, and the curtin drops.

Ack number 4.– A scene on the Eri kanall – a terribel storm rages – the kanall acks bad – sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board – kant make a lee shore – tha drag their ankers – sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing – the water iz strewd with pots and kittles – sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth – tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion – men are seen along on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels – band plays "a life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and the awjence disperce, single file.

VI.

FEMALE EDDIKASHUN

Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.

I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.