Этот неподражаемый Дживс! / The Inimitable Jeeves

“I say, Bertie,” he said, after a pause of about an hour and a quarter.

“Hallo!”

“Do you like the name Mabel[11 - Mabel – Мэйбл]?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“You don’t think there’s a kind of music in the word, like the wind through the trees?”

“No.”

He seemed disappointed for a moment; then cheered up.

“Of course, you wouldn’t. You always were a worm without any soul, weren’t you?”

“Just as you say. Who is she? Tell me all.”

For I realized now that poor old Bingo had fallen in love again. Ever since I have known him—and we were at school together—he has been perpetually falling in love with someone, generally in the spring. At school he had the finest collection of actresses’ photographs of his time; and at Oxford he was famous for his romantic nature.

“You’d better come along and meet her at lunch,” he said, looking at his watch.

“Well,” I said. “Where are you meeting her? At the Ritz[12 - the Ritz – «Ритц» (название отеля)]?”

“Near the Ritz.”

He was geographically accurate. About fifty yards east of the Ritz there is a tea-and-bun shop[13 - tea-and-bun shop – закусочная, кафе], and into this young Bingo dived like a rabbit. Before I had time to say a word we were at a table, with a pool of coffee left there by a previous client.

I couldn’t quite understand the situation. Bingo was not a millionaire, but he has always had a fair amount. Why, then, has he invited the girl at this eatery?

The waitress arrived. A rather pretty girl.

“Aren’t we going to wait?” I started to say to Bingo, but I caught sight of his face, and stopped.

“Mabel,” said Bingo, “this is Bertie Wooster, a friend of mine.”

“Pleased to meet you,” she said. “Nice morning.”

“Pleased to meet you, too,” I said.

“You see I’m wearing the tie,” said Bingo.

“It suits you beautiful,” said the girl.

Personally, if anyone had told me that a tie like that suited me, I should have risen and fight them, regardless of their age and sex; but poor old Bingo simply got all flustered with gratification[14 - got all flustered with gratification – расплылся от удовольствия], and smirked.

“Well, what’s it going to be today?” asked the girl. Bingo studied the menu.

“I’ll have a cup of cocoa, cold veal and ham pie, slice of fruit cake, and a macaroon. Same for you, Bertie?”

I gazed at him, revolted. He thinks I am going to insult my stomach with that! And he has been a friend of mine all these years.

“Or how about a bit of hot steak-pudding[15 - steak-pudding – мясной пуддинг], with some wine?” said Bingo.

You know, love can change a man completely. This fellow before me, who spoke carelessly of macaroons and cocoa, was the man who had ordered sole frite au gourmet aux champignons and the best wine some day. Ghastly! Ghastly!

A roll and butter and a small coffee seemed the only things on the list that were eatable, so I chose them, and Mabel went away.

“Well?” said Bingo rapturously.

He wanted my opinion of the female poisoner[16 - female poisoner – отравительница] who had just left us.

“Very nice,” I said.

He seemed dissatisfied.

“You don’t think she’s the most wonderful girl you ever saw?” he said.

“Oh, absolutely!” I said. “Where did you meet her?”

“At a subscription dance[17 - subscription dance – благотворительные танцы] at Camberwell[18 - Camberwell – Камберуэлл (район в южной части Лондона)].”

“What were you doing at a subscription dance at Camberwell?”

“Your Jeeves asked me to buy a couple of tickets. It was in aid of some charity or other.”

“Jeeves? I didn’t know about that business of his.”

“Well, I suppose he has to relax a bit every sometimes. Anyway, he was there, too. And danced. I didn’t want to dance at first, but changed my mind. Oh, Bertie, think what I might have missed[19 - what I might have missed – чего бы я мог лишиться]!”

“What might have you missed?” I asked.

“Mabel, you fool. If I hadn’t gone I shouldn’t have met Mabel.”

“Oh, ah!”

“Bertie,” said Bingo, “I want your advice.”

“Go on.”

“At least, not your advice, because that wouldn’t be good to anybody. Not that I want to hurt your feelings, of course.”

“No, no, I see that.”

“What I wish you would do is to tell the whole story to that fellow Jeeves, and see what he suggests. You’ve often told me that he has helped other friends of yours. From what you tell me, he’s the brains of the family. Tell him about my problem.”