The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping our children thrive when the world overwhelms them

If in doubt, have a team of professionals evaluate your child. Start by getting the name of a highly respected professional who takes a team approach, then get the names of the other professionals with whom he or she works. This may be costly, but problems caught early can usually be changed and with far less expense. You need a team because a pediatrician alone may emphasize physical symptoms or solutions. A psychiatrist will be looking for mental disorders that might be helped with medication. A psychologist will want to teach new behaviors but may miss a physical problem. Occupational therapists will emphasize sensorimotor problems and solutions; speech therapists will attend to verbal skills; a social worker will examine the family, school, and community environment. Together, they are great. Indeed, there may be some problem in each area that needs attention. (In my opinion, medication alone is never a sufficient treatment for a behavioral problem in a child, who should be learning how to cope with whatever problem she has.)

A thorough evaluation will take weeks, not hours. Those involved should want reports from you, your child’s teachers or child-care providers, and any professionals who have already seen your child. They should ask for your family’s medical records and history, and someone should observe your child and possibly you and your child together. Above all, they should talk about temperament as part of the total picture and sound knowledgeable on the subject. Unfortunately, many professionals are not, and they can make serious mistakes with an HSC. (See Resources at the end of the book for names of temperament counselors.)

Finally, during and after this evaluation, these professionals should be giving you support and encouragement. You need to be able to trust and respect these people; they are going to have a tremendous effect on your child’s life. If you have doubts about an opinion, get a second one. Those who provide the first opinion should encourage that. Do not be rushed into any treatment unless there is a good reason for speed.

Remember, HSCs are normal kids who most of the time are relaxed and outgoing with those they know well. They listen and express themselves easily. When under stress, they are temporarily out of commission, perhaps very upset. But you will also have seen them feeling good, friendly, curious, and proud of themselves.

Should you look for a “cure” for your child’s sensitivity? No. Temperament traits can be worked with so that the child learns how to cope and fit into a given culture, and parents can learn how to help with that. Trying to cure, remove, or hide a trait, however, is likely to lead to more trouble. Sensitive older boys and men in our society often feel they have to hide their sensitivity, and they do so usually at great personal cost. Variety in temperament is the “spice of life”—and perhaps the best hope of a species’ survival.

A FINAL WORD: HSCS ARE ON THE WAY TO SUCCESS AND HAPPINESS

Do you have any lingering concern that your child may find it difficult to be truly happy or successful? If so, stop worrying. Many highly sensitive people have told me that they believe they feel far more joy and contentment far more deeply than others. And a host of them are prominent professors, judges, doctors, research scientists, widely published authors, famous artists, and renowned musicians.

Yes, your child will be more aware of the problems and the pain in the world. But perhaps the best definition of happiness came from Aristotle: We are happiest when doing what, by nature, we were born to do best. The born dancer is happiest dancing, not quite as happy when baking pies. The born gardener is happiest gardening, not quite so happy trying to write poetry. But one thing all humans were born to do, by nature, is simply to be aware, fully aware. In that sense HSCs are superb humans. Being superb at what they do best by nature provides them with this highest form of happiness, even when, in their case, it may also bring a greater awareness of suffering and loss, even death. You will be part of their working through the consequences of this awareness, which means your life, too, will be deepened.

As we will discuss in the next chapter, parenting an HSC is one of life’s greatest and happiest challenges. You make more of a difference with such a child, and so the rewards are greater, as are the issues to be addressed. If being a parent makes you happy, then using Aristotle’s argument, a child who asks more of you as a parent should be a source of greater joy.

APPLYING WHAT YOU HAVE LEARNED

Appreciating Your Own Child

Now that you are familiar with the trait of sensitivity, its flavors, the other temperament traits, and are rid of some misunderstandings about HSCs, you are in a very good position to take a fresh look at your child. Fill out the following assessment. You might want to do it alone, with your child’s other parent, or with your child’s teacher or regular caregiver (or you can each do it and compare).

I. Types of sensitivity (check off each kind that applies):

__ Physical, low threshold—for example:

Sensitive to fabrics, rough socks, tags in clothes.

Notices low sounds, subtle scents.

__ Physical, intensity—for example:

Reacts more to pain than other children.

Bothered by loud noise.

__ Physical, complexity—for example:

Does not like crowds or bustling places.

Does not like foods mixed or complex seasonings.

__ Emotional, low threshold—for example:

Picks up on the moods of others.

Good with animals, babies, bodies, plants (beings that cannot talk).

__ Emotional complexity—for example:

Has interesting insights about what is going on with people.

Has complex, vivid dreams.

__ Emotional, intensity—for example:

Cries easily.

Deeply upset by another’s suffering.

__ Novelty, low threshold—for example:

Notices small changes in room or your clothing.

Prefers little or only gradual changes.

__ Novelty, complexity—for example:

Does not need or like many new things happening.

Dreads a major change such as moving to a new town.

__ Novelty, intensity—for example:

Does not like surprises, being startled, sudden changes.

Hesitant in all new environments.

__ Social novelty, low threshold—for example:

Slow to warm up again with someone she has not seen for a while.

Notices small changes in people after not seeing them for a while.

_ Social novelty, complexity—for example:

The more unusual or unknown the person, the more hesitant.

Does not like to be in large groups when some are strangers.

__ Social novelty, intensity—for example:

Does not like to be the center of attention among strangers.

Does not like meeting a lot of new people at once.

Does not like to be questioned by a stranger.