The Master of Mrs. Chilvers: An Improbable Comedy

Janet. (Does so.) Shall I take any notes?

Lady Mogton. No. (To Annys.) Give instructions that we are not to be interrupted for anything.

(Annys rings bell.)

St. Herbert. (He turns to Phoebe, on his right.) Have you heard the latest?

There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Whose language was terribly strong.

(Enter Hake. He brings a bottle and glass, which he places.)

Annys. Oh, Hake, please, don’t let us be interrupted for anything. If Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers comes, show her up. But nobody else.

Hake. Yes, ma’am.

    (Hake goes out.)

St. Herbert. (Continuing.)

It wasn’t the words
That frightened the birds,
’Twas the ’orrible double-entendre.

Lady Mogton. (Who has sat waiting in grim silence.) Have you finished?

St. Herbert. Quite finished.

Lady Mogton. Thank you. (She raps for silence.) You will understand, please, all, that this is a private meeting of the Council. Nothing that transpires is to be allowed to leak out. (There is a murmur.) Silence, please, for Mr. St. Herbert.

St. Herbert. Before we begin, I should like to remind you, ladies, that you are, all of you, persons mentally deficient —

(The door opens. Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers enters, announced by Hake. She is a showily-dressed, flamboyant lady.)

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. I am so sorry. I have only just this minute – (She catches sight of St. Herbert.) You naughty creature, why weren’t you at my meeting last night? The Rajah came with both his wives. We’ve elected them, all three, honorary members.

Lady Mogton. Do you mind sitting down?

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. Here, dear? (She takes the vacant chair.) So nice of you. I read about your meeting. What a clever idea!

Lady Mogton. (Cuts her short.) Yes. We are here to consider a very important matter. By way of commencement Mr. St. Herbert has just reminded us that in the eye of the law all women are imbeciles.

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. I know, dear. Isn’t it shocking?

St. Herbert. Deplorable; but of course not your fault. I mention it because of its importance to the present matter. Under Clause A of the Act for the Better Regulation, &c., &c., all persons “mentally deficient” are debarred from becoming members of Parliament. The classification has been held to include idiots, infants, and women.

(An interruption. Lady Mogton hammers.)

Bearing this carefully in mind, we proceed. (He refers to his notes.) Two years ago a bye-election took place for the South-west division of Belfast.

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. My dear, may I? It has just occurred to me. Why do we never go to Ireland?

Lady Mogton. For various sufficient reasons.

Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. So many of the Irish members have expressed themselves quite sympathetically.

Lady Mogton. We wish them to continue to do so. (Turns to St. Herbert.) I’m sorry.

St. Herbert. A leader of the Orange Party was opposed by a Nationalist, and the proceedings promised to be lively. They promised for a while to be still livelier, owing to the nomination at the last moment of the local lunatic.

Phoebe. (To Annys.) This is where we come in.

St. Herbert. There is always a local lunatic, who, if harmless, is generally a popular character. James Washington McCaw appears to have been a particularly cheerful specimen. One of his eccentricities was to always have a skipping-rope in his pocket; wherever the traffic allowed it, he would go through the streets skipping. He said it kept him warm. Another of his tricks was to let off fireworks from the roof of his house whenever he heard of the death of anybody of importance. The Returning Officer refused his nomination – which, so far as his nominators were concerned, was intended only as a joke – on the grounds of his being by common report a person of unsound mind. And there, so far as South-west Belfast was concerned, the matter ended.

Phoebe. Pity.

St. Herbert. But not so far as the Returning Officer was concerned. McCaw appears to have been a lunatic possessed of means, imbued with all an Irishman’s love of litigation. He at once brought an action against the Returning Officer, his contention being that his mental state was a private matter, of which the Returning Officer was not the person to judge.

Phoebe. He wasn’t a lunatic all over.

St. Herbert. We none of us are. The case went from court to court. In every instance the decision was in favour of the Returning Officer. Until it reached the House of Lords. The decision was given yesterday afternoon – in favour of the man McCaw.

Elizabeth. Then lunatics, at all events, are not debarred from going to the poll.

St. Herbert. The “mentally deficient” are no longer debarred from going to the poll.

Elizabeth. What grounds were given for the decision?

St. Herbert. (He refers again to his notes.) A Returning Officer can only deal with objections arising out of the nomination paper. He has no jurisdiction to go behind a nomination paper and constitute himself a court of inquiry as to the fitness or unfitness of a candidate.

Phoebe. Good old House of Lords!

(Lady Mogton hammers.)

Elizabeth. But I thought it was part of the Returning Officer’s duty to inquire into objections, that a special time was appointed to deal with them.

St. Herbert. He will still be required to take cognisance of any informality in the nomination paper or papers. Beyond that, this decision relieves him of all further responsibility.

Janet. But this gives us everything.

St. Herbert. It depends upon what you call everything. It gives a woman the right to go to the poll – a right which, as a matter of fact, she has always possessed.

Phoebe. Then why did the Returning Officer for Camberwell in 1885 —

St. Herbert. Because he did not know the law. And Miss Helen Taylor had not the means possessed by our friend McCaw to teach it to him.

Annys. (Rises. She goes to the centre of the room.)