Play With a Tiger and Other Plays

ANNA: Yes he was bound to get married, time marches on, every dog must have its day, one generation makes way for another, today’s kittens are tomorrow’s cats, life’s like that.

TOM: I don’t know why it is, most people think I’m quite a harmless sort of man. After ten minutes with you I feel I ought to crawl into the nearest worm-hole and die.

ANNA: We’re just conforming to the well-known rule that when an affair ends, the amount of violence and unpleasantness is in direct ratio to its heat.

[Loud laughter and voices outside – HARRY and MARY.]

TOM: I thought you said you were out. Mary really is quite impossible.

ANNA: It’s Harry who’s impossible. He always takes it for granted one doesn’t mean him.

TOM [angry]: And perhaps one doesn’t.

ANNA: Perhaps one doesn’t.

TOM: Anna! Do let’s try and be a bit more …

ANNA: Civilized? Is that the word you’re looking for?

[HARRY and MARY come in.]

HARRY [as he kisses ANNA]: Civilized, she says. There’s our Anna. I knew I’d come in and she’d be saying civilized. [coolly, to TOM] Oh, hullo.

TOM [coolly]: Well, Harry.

MARY [who has been flirted by HARRY into an over-responsive state]:

Oh, Harry, you are funny sometimes. [she laughs] It’s not what you say, when you come to think of it, it’s the way you say it.

HARRY: Surely, it’s what I say as well?

ANNA: Harry, I’m not in. I told Mary, I don’t want to see anybody.

HARRY: Don’t be silly, darling, of course you do. You don’t want to see anybody, but you want to see me.

TOM [huffy]: Anna and I were talking.

HARRY: Of course you are, you clots. And it’s high time you stopped. Look at you both. And now we should all have a drink.

TOM: Oh damn. You and Mary go and have a drink.

HARRY: That’s not the way at all. Anna will come to the pub with me and weep on my shoulder, and Tom will stay and weep on Mary’s.

TOM [rallying into his smooth sarcasm]: Harry, I yield to no one in my admiration of your tact but I really must say …

HARRY: Don’t be silly. I got a clear picture from Mary here, of you and Anna, snarling and snapping on the verge of tears – it doesn’t do at all. When a thing’s finished it’s finished. I know, for my sins I’m an expert.

TOM: Forgive me if I make an over-obvious point, but this really isn’t one of the delightful little affairs you specialize in.

HARRY: Of course it was. You two really aren’t in a position to judge. Now if you weren’t Tom and Anna, you’d take one look at yourselves and laugh your heads off at the idea of your getting married.

ANNA [she goes to the window and looks down]: Harry, come and see me next week and I’ll probably laugh my head off.

HARRY: Next week’s no good at all. You won’t need me then, you’ll have recovered.

TOM [immensely sarcastic]: Surely, Harry, if Anna asks you to leave her flat, the least you can do is to … [ANNA suddenly giggles.]

HARRY: There, you see? How could you possibly marry such a pompous idiot, Anna. [to TOM, affectionately] Anna can’t possibly marry such an idiot, Tom. Anna doesn’t like well-ordered citizens, like you, anyway.

MARY: I don’t know how you can say well-ordered. He was just another lame duck until now.

HARRY: But he’s not a lame duck any more. He’s going to work for Jeffries, and he’ll be administering to the spiritual needs of the women of the nation through the ‘Ladies Own.’

TOM: I’m only going to be on the business side. I won’t be responsible for the rubbish they – [He stops, annoyed with himself. HARRY and MARY laugh at him.]

HARRY: There you are, he’s a solid respectable citizen already.

TOM [to HARRY]: It’s not any worse than the rag you work for is it?

HARRY [reacts to TOM with a grimace that says touché! and turns to ANNA]: When are you going to get some comfortable furniture into this room?

ANNA [irritated almost to tears]: Oh sit on the floor, go away, stop nagging.

HARRY: Don’t be so touchy. The point I’m trying to make is, Tom’d never put up with a woman like you, he’s going to have a house with every modern convenience and everything just so … Anna, what’ve you done with Dave?

ANNA: I haven’t seen him for weeks.

HARRY: That’s silly, isn’t it now?

ANNA: No.

HARRY: Now I’m going to give you a lot of good advice, Anna and …

TOM: Fascinating, isn’t it? Harry giving people advice.

MARY: Harry may not know how to get his own life into order, but actually he’s rather good at other people’s.

HARRY: What do you mean, my life is in perfect order.

TOM: Indeed? May I ask how your wife is?

HARRY [in a much used formula]: Helen is wonderful, delightful, she is very happy and she loves me dearly.

TOM [with a sneer]: How nice.

HARRY: Yes, it is. And that’s what I’m going to explain to you, Anna. Look at Helen. She’s like you, she likes interesting weak men like me, and …

TOM: Weak is not the word I’d have chosen, I must say.