The Genial Idiot: His Views and Reviews

“We can’t relieve one another’s necessities unless we know what they are, can we?” asked Mr. Whitechoker.

“We can if we adopt my cash system,” said the Idiot. “For instance, I know that I need a dozen pairs of new socks. Modesty would prevent my announcing this fact to the world, and as long as I wear shoes you’d never find it out, but if, when Christmas came, you gave me twenty-five dollars instead of Foxe’s Book of Martyrs in words of one syllable, you would relieve my necessities and so earn my everlasting gratitude. Dr. Capsule here wouldn’t acknowledge to you or to me that his suspenders are held together in three places with safety-pins, and will so continue to be until these prosperous times moderate; but if we were to present him with nine dollars and sixty-eight cents on Christmas morning, we should discern a look of gratitude in his eye on that suspender account that would be missing if we were to hand him out a seven-dollar gold-mounted shaving-mug instead. We should have shown our generous spirit on his behalf, which is all a Christmas present ever does, whether it is a diamond tiara or a chain of sausages, and at the same time have relieved his anxieties about his braces. His gratitude would be double-barrelled, and his happiness a surer shot. Give us the money, say I, and let us relieve our necessities first, and then if there is anything left over we can buy some memorial of the day with the balance.”

“Well, I think it’s a pretty good plan,” said Mrs. Pedagog. “It would save a lot of waste, anyhow. But it isn’t possible for all of us to do it, Mr. Idiot. I, for instance, haven’t any money to give you.”

“You could give me something better,” said the Idiot. “I wouldn’t accept any money from you for a Christmas present.”

“Then what shall it be?” asked the Landlady.

“Well – a receipt in full for my bill to date,” said the Idiot.

“Mercy!” cried the Landlady. “I couldn’t afford that – ”

“Oh, yes you could,” said the Idiot. “Because for your Christmas I’d give you a check in full for the amount.”

“Oh – I see,” smiled the Landlady. “Then what do we get for our Christmas? Strikes me it’s about as broad as it is long.”

“Precisely,” said the Idiot. “We get even – and that’s about as conducive to a happy Christmas, to Peace on Earth and Good-will to men, as any condition I know of. If I can get square for Christmas I don’t want anything else.”

THE END